All Hail The Holy Kale

Welcome to the United States of Kale, otherwise known as “The Land of the Leafy Green”, which is nowhere near free. Let’s take a moment to bow our heads in silence to pay tribute to The Golden State, Kaleafornia, for pulling the ultimate EUREKA! by resurrecting this prehistoric superfood and making it a staple of […]

Read More

Dearest Elliott,

Dearest Elliott, Today is your birthday and I intend to shower you with surprises, gifts, magic and mayhem – in typical Melissa fashion. You’d be 28 today and I can picture it perfectly. Your day would start with a morning Bud Light in the shower while you sing my most hated song, “Drinkin’ a beeeer […]

Read More

Bagel Girl to Porn Star?

In the Bagel Industry, verbally abusive customers are considered especially heinous. In San Francisco, the dedicated elevator operators who investigate these felonies are members of an elite squad known as the “Vicious Vag Productions”. Here is my story. (🎶DUN DUN🎶) I was 19 years old and crying hysterically in an elevator the day I was propositioned to […]

Read More