Dearest Elliott,

Dearest Elliott, Today is your birthday and I intend to shower you with surprises, gifts, magic and mayhem – in typical Melissa fashion. You’d be 28 today and I can picture it perfectly. Your day would start with a morning Bud Light in the shower while you sing my most hated song, “Drinkin’ a beeeer […]

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Interview With Poseidon

I’m not someone that gets embarrassed very often. Not that I don’t do embarrassing things. I do embarrassing things 24 hours a day. But due to the frequency of my daily personal failings, I’ve learned how to own it. If someone were to ask me, “What was the most embarrassing moment of your life?” it’d […]

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Bumble, Don’t Kill My Vibe

After a series of unfortunate events, I’ve somehow found myself back in the cesspool of online dating. I’ve gone from Friday night sushi dinners with my best friend I so deeply loved, to swiping through an electronic pool of men I have absolutely zero interest in meeting. But here I am, swiping away in hopes […]

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Do You Even Box, Bro?

I like to eat. I like to drink. Combining those two qualities with my Hispanic genes often results in the inevitable “Fat Mexican Lady” destiny that’s been creeping in on my life since the day my metabolism stopped functioning at the age of 23. This is the same destined nightmare that continued to haunt my […]

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Bagel Girl to Porn Star?

In the Bagel Industry, verbally abusive customers are considered especially heinous. In San Francisco, the dedicated elevator operators who investigate these felonies are members of an elite squad known as the “Vicious Vag Productions”. Here is my story. (🎶DUN DUN🎶) I was 19 years old and crying hysterically in an elevator the day I was propositioned to […]

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