The Hermit

Goodbye. Adios. Ciao. Bon Voyage. Sayonara. I’m not sure what language the Universe speaks, but this is me saying “BYE and GO FUCK YOURSELF” to 2017. I had high hopes for 2017. Hopes that were inspired by an epiphany that took place two days prior to the New Year. It was 7:00am on December 30, […]

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6 Minutes of Sarcasm & Sass

Dating in my teens and early 20’s was an absolute breeze. In fact, I was never single. I had several boyfriends beginning at age 14 up until half way through my 24th year of life. A solid decade of consistent, back-to-back boyfriends. I’m not talking about high school summer flings, dorm room friends-with-benefits, or honeymoon-phase […]

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Dearest Elliott,

Dearest Elliott, Today is your birthday and I intend to shower you with surprises, gifts, magic and mayhem – in typical Melissa fashion. You’d be 28 today and I can picture it perfectly. Your day would start with a morning Bud Light in the shower while you sing my most hated song, “Drinkin’ a beeeer […]

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Bumble, Don’t Kill My Vibe

After a series of unfortunate events, I’ve somehow found myself back in the cesspool of online dating. I’ve gone from Friday night sushi dinners with a guy who pretended to love me, to swiping through an electronic pool of men I have absolutely zero interest in meeting. But here I am, swiping away in hopes […]

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Cupid Is Stupid

Valentine’s Day is huge. It’s huge in the sense that it’s guaranteed to have some sort of an effect on you, but it won’t always affect you the same way year after year. For instance, it’s nothing like St. Patrick’s Day, a holiday that’s focused on inappropriate pinching, Jameson shots, and the mass consumption of […]

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