All Hail The Holy Kale

Welcome to the United States of Kale, otherwise known as “The Land of the Leafy Green”, which is nowhere near free. Let’s take a moment to bow our heads in silence to pay tribute to The Golden State, Kaleafornia, for pulling the ultimate EUREKA! by resurrecting this prehistoric superfood and making it a staple of […]

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The Hermit

Goodbye. Adios. Ciao. Bon Voyage. Sayonara. I’m not sure what language the Universe speaks, but this is me saying “BYE and GO FUCK YOURSELF” to 2017. I had high hopes for 2017. Hopes that were inspired by an epiphany that took place two days prior to the New Year. It was 7:00am on December 30, […]

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6 Minutes of Sarcasm & Sass

Dating in my teens and early 20’s was an absolute breeze. In fact, I was never single. I had several boyfriends beginning at age 14 up until half way through my 24th year of life. A solid decade of consistent, back-to-back boyfriends. I’m not talking about high school summer flings, dorm room friends-with-benefits, or honeymoon-phase […]

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Dearest Elliott,

Dearest Elliott, Today is your birthday and I intend to shower you with surprises, gifts, magic and mayhem – in typical Melissa fashion. You’d be 28 today and I can picture it perfectly. Your day would start with a morning Bud Light in the shower while you sing my most hated song, “Drinkin’ a beeeer […]

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Interview With Poseidon

I’m not someone that gets embarrassed very often. Not that I don’t do embarrassing things. I do embarrassing things 24 hours a day. But due to the frequency of my daily personal failings, I’ve learned how to own it. If someone were to ask me, “What was the most embarrassing moment of your life?” it’d […]

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