The Hermit

Goodbye. Adios. Ciao. Bon Voyage. Sayonara.

I’m not sure what language the Universe speaks, but this is me saying “BYE and GO FUCK YOURSELF” to 2017.

I had high hopes for 2017. Hopes that were inspired by an epiphany that took place two days prior to the New Year. It was 7:00am on December 30, 2016, as I lie awake in bed thinking to myself “I will NOT let him ruin my New Years Eve.”

It was day four of the inevitable silent treatment via boyfriend. A silent treatment that was inflicted upon me after I did the unthinkable, the unimaginable, and the utmost disdainful act of calling him on the phone to confirm he was happy with the dinner menu I planned on cooking for him later that night. Unfortunately, the handful of questions I asked in regards to his vegetable preference sparked a full blown tantrum one could only relate to that of a toddler in the terrible two stage of adolescent development. After a series of degrading name calling, he hung up the phone and that was the last I’d hear from him for the next four days. This was typical of him. It was just another one of his psychologically abusive control tactics he’d projected on me many times in the past, and what would soon become many more times in the future.

The truth is, I was in a horribly abusive relationship with a person that absolutely hated himself. He was a victim to his own life, trapped in a mental state of self-sabotage and addiction while using me as the punching bag that brought meaning to his otherwise nonexistent state of self. Hurting me was proof that he had power, ego, masculinity, and purpose. It was proof that he had control of something in his life – me. He was the worst thing that ever happened to me, and I kept that a secret the entire length of our short lived relationship.

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The Tower: any experience that shakes the foundation of your current sense of security and/or forces you to question your strongly-held beliefs, perceptions, attitudes and behaviors

On December 30, 2016, I woke up and decided I deserved better. I decided to take back control of my life and escape the chain of abuse that had been holding me down. Minutes later I bought a same-day flight to San Francisco and left. It was the smartest and healthiest decision I ever made.

While away, I reconnected with the beautiful city I’d once called home and spent time with the friends that really knew me. I allowed the city to heal me.

Those three days in San Francisco allowed me to reboot and replenish my empty soul. I became re-inspired, and it was there that I decided I’d launch a blog. It would be my 2017 project, a creative outlet I knew would help heal and reinvent myself. A project that would help remind me who I am and the incredibly talented things I’m capable of. It would help rebuild the confidence and self-worth he’d taken away from me. LadyFinger would be my sparkling, strong, independent middle finger reminding the world that no one could take my moonlight away, ever again.

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Ace of Wands:  a time in your life where you have a ‘breakthrough moment’ and feel very inspired and motivated about a particular idea or passion.

Unfortunately, 2017 had other plans for me. And by plans, I mean obstacles. Within the first month, I’d learn the overall theme of my upcoming year: loss and death.

Within the first week of January 2017, I lost my grandmother. She was a woman I continued to grow closer to as I got older. She was a woman whose life story wouldn’t make sense to me or influence me until I became an adult. Her death was untimely, unexpected and unprepared. Our time together wasn’t up. There was so much more I needed to learn from her before she left. A few weeks after that I lost Elliott. A man I could easily describe as the love of my life. A man I walked away from during a time of internal soul searching. A man I realized was “the one” when it was already too late.

These first two losses month one into the new year brought me back to my ex. I was hurt, I was lost, I was scared, and I was in desperate need for comfort. So, I went back to what I knew and was quickly reminded of why I’d run from it.

The day before my grandmother’s funeral he destroyed my apartment during a fit of drunken rage. He ran up and down the street kicking in cars like the Hulk on PCP, while I hid in the back alley at midnight barefoot in pajamas for over an hour praying to god someone would call the police. Did it end there? Of course not! Two weeks later he was back to “apologize” which just so happened to be the same day I’d get the phone call informing me that Elliott had passed away at 27 years old of a heart attack. He sat on my couch staring at me as I picked up the phone and received the news. I immediately broke down screaming in agony and heartbreak as he stormed out the front door furious that I was upset about an ex-boyfriend of mine being dead. He threatened to walk away and leave me forever if I didn’t stop crying. I spent the entire day holding back my tears as I was internally combusting in heartbreak. It wasn’t until he fell asleep that I was able to sneak off to the bathroom and cry my eyes out as quietly as possible.

For the past year I’ve had to live with the fact that I had to silently grieve the tragic loss of my amazing ex-boyfriend in order to not upset the abusive sociopath that was controlling my life. Elliott deserved better than that.

A month later I finally hit my breaking point after he abandoned me in downtown LA during one of his typical drunken fits of ballistic rage. I’m talking straight up Jerry Springer public meltdown tearing down the streets in full blown speed, screaming profanities at the top of his lungs like a crazed lunatic. You really can’t make this stuff up.

It took me three months to climb out of the state of depression he’d left me in. I was fucked up. Really fucked up.  I decided to mask my horribly bruised soul by jumping back into the dating world in hopes of finding someone to heal what was left behind. During this time, I met some really great men and some really terrible men, all of which I was able to scare away as quickly as they came in. I was damaged, but I didn’t know it. I kept wondering – why do I keep getting hurt, why do men keep running away from me, why doesn’t anyone value me, what is wrong with me? But I wasn’t in a state of mind to find the answers. I wasn’t willing to look within myself and recognize what was happening.

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Nine of Swords: can indicate that you are being incredibly hard on yourself, putting yourself down or engaging in negative self-talk. For every mistake you make, you blame yourself and become worked up and angry at yourself for messing up again.

On October 1, 2017, I learned that a family friend was killed during a terrorist attack that took place in Las Vegas at the Route 65 music festival. She was 22 years old. I had been dating someone for about a month who chose to abandon me the minute he found out about Christiana’s death in Vegas. He was incapable of providing any type of emotional support and vanished without a trace before I was even able to attend her funeral. A few weeks after that, my grandfather died.

This is about the time that things started to make sense.

Bad things happen. People die. I can’t control any of that. But I can control how I deal with it. I can control how I heal from it. I can control who I become after it.

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Ten of Swords: can indicate a difficult experience of endings, loss, pain or release. However, a new awareness and a positive sense of relief that the difficulty and pain will soon be over and will evolve into something new

I went into 2017 a damaged person who continued to be kicked while I was already down. I was unable to healthily grieve the loss of my loved ones as I was never able to fully mend my badly bruised sense of identity prior to each loss. I was an empty person struggling to rebuild love for myself all while attempting to make sense of the death that surrounded me. How could I heal from grieving if I wasn’t healed on an emotional or spiritual level from within?

I spent the last year masking my pain by distracting myself with temporary spurts of comfort. I sought out love with hopes to fill the empty void inside, before ever having reached a place of feeling lovable again. I chose to cover my wounds with crappy, cheap, non-stick bandaids, otherwise known as men, that provided a layer of protection until they ultimately fell off with time and wear. The wounds are still here, the crappy bandaids are not. Should I be surprised?

So here I am, holding The Hermit tarot card in front of my face. What does it mean? What does any of this mean?

Well, today is Saturday, December 30, 2017, and I’ve had another epiphany. I’ve realized that the last twelve months of my life were one massive lesson about my inner self. Month after month I continued to fail the lesson and spiraled deeper and deeper into a dark hole of emptiness. This past year has been a reality check and wake up call that I have a lot of rebuilding to do – spiritually. I have to heal, and in order to do that I have to retreat like The Hermit.

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The Hermit is the 9th Major Arcana card in the tarot deck. The Hermit stands alone on the top of a mountain with a lantern in hand. Introspectively, he gazes out into the distance reflecting on the spiritual journey that brought him success, growth, knowledge, and wisdom along the way. The Hermit has different meanings depending on the position of the card when its dealt.

The Hermit in reverse can mean that you’re not taking enough time for personal reflection or that you’re spending too much time alone in isolation. You are literally becoming a hermit and cutting yourself off from others. The Hermit in the upright position can mean that you’re in a phase of introspection where your looking inward for life lessons. You now realize that the truth and understanding you seek is within yourself and not in the distractions of the outside world.

The Hermit is the tarot card associated with the zodiac sign Virgo. I am a Virgo and The Hermit is 100% me, both the best and worst version of me depending on where I’m positioned at as I progress through life.

For the past year I’ve been living my life as The Hermit in reverse. I lost myself during my abusive relationship and I isolated myself from the outside world. I was suffering, and I kept it a secret. Although the relationship had ended, the damage it caused did not. As I continued to face loss throughout the year, I continued to crawl farther into isolating darkness. I didn’t reach out for help, I didn’t talk to anyone about how I felt, and I didn’t utilize my support system – my family or my friends. Instead, I sought out complete strangers that didn’t know my story and didn’t know my pain. Through them, I was able to pretend none of this was happening. Through them, I continued to grow further away from myself.

In 2018, I have absolutely no choice but to focus all my time and energy into living my life in the upright position of The Hermit, or ill forever be emotionally alone. I have to dig deep within my core and resurface the spirit that was stolen from me. I have to heal the scars from inside in order to have a chance at love again. I have to retreat within myself without isolating myself. I have to learn how to heal myself, rather than expecting romantic relationships to do the healing for me. I have to believe, forgive, love and make peace with ME before I can make peace with all I have lost.

I can do it. I’m ready to do it.

I deserve to be happy. I deserve to be loved. I deserve to be healed and whole again.

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Strength: represents inner strength and the power of the human spirit to overcome any obstacle.

 

 

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Just dancing through life pretending to know what I'm doing.

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