6 Minutes of Sarcasm & Sass

Dating in my teens and early 20’s was an absolute breeze. In fact, I was never single. I had several boyfriends beginning at age 14 up until half way through my 24th year of life. A solid decade of consistent, back-to-back boyfriends. I’m not talking about high school summer flings, dorm room friends-with-benefits, or honeymoon-phase length relationships. I’m talking long-term, serious, monogamous relationships with men that were committed to me and loved me.

Then 25 years hit and the universe decided I was no longer allowed to depend on a male counterpart for emotional support and security. The cord was cut and I was forced into a realm of singledom where I faced the trials and tribulations of digging deep within my core, becoming “at one” with myself, and reaching peace and happiness – alone.

Believe me, I tried my best to fight against this universal plan. I dated and dated and was met with failure after failure, time and time again. Sure, I had “boyfriends” but nothing even remotely close to the spectrum of REAL relationships I was used to. One of two scenarios would occur; I’d date a great guy that treated me well who I shared zero chemistry with OR I’d find an organic chemistry with a guy who’d eventually end up treating me like absolute garbage. For whatever reason, the stars refuse to align and send over a guy I connect with who (GASP!) treats me well.

But you know what universe? I’M OVER IT! It’s been three fucking years and my soul searching has come to an end. I’m vastly approaching my 28th year of life, and while I know I can be alone, I really don’t want to be. I’m ready to take on the world with a partner by my side…so hand him over already!

While I’d love to blame all my problems on the solar system – I know deep down that I need to take ownership of my life. I can’t expect to sit on my couch every night hoping for my dream man to appear, and then *POOF*, a shirtless Liam Hemsworth trots in on the back of a white horse with a rose dangling from his teeth. So, I decided I needed to take action and I signed up for

………………..drum roll please…………………

SPEED DATING!

Did I think Speed Dating was going to bring me my future husband? Eh, no…but maybe? Did I think it was going to be full of dreamy miracle men? Unlikely…but maybe? Did I think it would be an interesting experience and something to check off the bucket list? Absolutely!

I chose Speed Dating because I figured it was the best way to actively fight against the ongoing trend of distant, emotionless, digital dating that’s invaded the spirit and souls of eligible singles across the globe. I wanted to push myself out of my confront zone and throw myself in front of single men that are actually interested in building real-life, in-person, face-to-face interactions, something that is nearly impossible to find in the year 2017.

As the day arrived and the hours passed, I was surprised to find myself nervous for the event. This was strange for me considering I’m practically a professional loner. I’m the girl that confidently takes herself out to dinner on a Friday night, attends concerts alone, and welcomes herself into random neighborhood house parties. How was Speed Dating any different and why was I so nervous?

Well, like most things, I opted to alleviate my nerves by engaging in two hours of wine guzzling prior to the event. I figured a little liquid courage could do the trick and loosen me up before I waltzed into my 10 person romantic interview. Pinot Grigio after Pinot Grigio – is was ready.

I walked into the lounge and did a quick scan of the eligible male bachelors I was about to date. Let’s just say it was an interesting and diverse group of men that didn’t exactly resemble the typical lineup featured on ABC’s The Bachelorette. The age range varied from 21-35 and consisted of every height, style and racial group on the map. Each guy was so vastly different from the next that any girl was bound to find someone close to her “type”. At this point, I knew I was up for a rather interesting experience and decided to really unleash my inhibitions and throw back another glass of wine before take-off.

For the most part, the guys were great. They had interesting careers, owned their own businesses, engaged in a variety of unique hobbies, were well spoken, and somewhat socially competent. But without surprise, there were a couple sketch balls lurking within in the mix.

My favorites include:

  • Charlie: The “up and coming” actor and former University of Las Vegas tennis player. He literally looked like a human-sized dick with legs, while sporting a beaded necklace typical for a 7th grade Boy Scout. His head was so far up his own ass he must have thought he was speed dating with 10 clones of himself.
  • Sylvester: Yes, people named Sylvester actually exist in the world and their opening line at a Speed Dating event is, “If someone were to murder you, how would you like to die?” The next five minutes were spent in silence while I drank wine and repeatedly told him to stop looking at me.
  • Lawrence: the UPS driver with a background in Microbiology who looked at me with a pleasant smile on his face and said, “Wow, I honestly thought the women here would be bottom of the barrel.” To which I replied, “If we’re bottom of the barrel, then what the hell does that make you?”

Other than those gems, the majority of guys were interesting, unique, and seemed quirky enough to enjoy my quick-witted drunken humor. But the one thing each of these guys had in common? They were FULL-FLEDGED NERDS. They weren’t super nerds like Steve Urkel and Skreech who faint at the sight of a pretty girl and sport orthodontic headgear in their senior year photos. They were those oblivious nerds who don’t even realize they’re actually nerds. Sort of like…The Head Haucho of the Dork Corp., The Crowned President of Geek Week, The Lead Dweeb of Dungeons &  Dragons, The Captain of the Goober Troopers. You get the picture, right? Actually, let me just provide some visual aids and character descriptions to get my point across:

Think…

Carlton Banks – “Fresh Prince of Bel Air”

He’s preppy, smart, conservative, arrogant and always “doing the right thing”. But at the same time, this guy can get away with partial “cool” status since his best friend/relative is the trendiest, edgiest, hippest guy on the block. Not to mention, he lives in a mansion and is destined for inevitable success. I’m pretty sure most of us are willing to overlook the horrendous dance moves.

Carlton Banks.jpg

Andy Bernard – “The Office”

In theory, he’s actually super cool because that’s what the voices inside his head are telling him. How couldn’t he be cool? He went to Cornell, he can sing in high falsetto, he plays the banjo, sports trendy bowties and khaki pants, and he gave himself the coolest nickname of all – the Nard Dog. But in reality, he’s the guy we’re all laughing at…not with. He’s that coworker that marches into the office throwing out the thumbs up and firing off a series of “inside jokes”, yet no one has any idea what he’s talking about.

Andy Bernard.jpg

Fez – “That 70’s Show”

He’s the nerd that hangs out with the cool kids who randomly tagged along one day and no one told him leave. In fact, none of his friends even know his real name, partially because it’s impossible to pronounce. He laughs at his own terrible jokes and he’s full of corny lame puns. But, he’s also the guy all the hot girls end up dating, because…who doesn’t secretly love a little Latin flava?

Fez.jpg

Tom Haverford – “Parks and Recreation”

He’s sarcastic, mischievous, cocky, and the type of guy to practice “peacocking”; the act of using obnoxious visual elements as a means of standing out in public. This is the type of guy that will spend all six minutes of the date listing off all the companies he owns: Rent-a-Swag, Tom’s Bistro, Snakehole Lounge, Entertainment 720, etc. He’s the type of guy you can’t wait to get drunk with on the weekends, but who you’ll forever banish to the dark, gloomy, cobwebbed black hole called the Friend Zone.

Tom Haverford.jpg

Bumper Allen – “Pitch Perfect”

This guy is the definition of “King of the Nerds”. He’s the type of guy that enjoys being a nerd because it’s the only place he’s capable of exerting any sense of power and prestige amongst a social circle. But don’t think he’ll have your back. Nope! He’d abandon his a cappella group, the Treblemakers, at the snap of a finger the minute a better offer comes along; as in a back up singing position with John Mayer. Watch out for this nerd. He writes his own fan mail and owns a line of sport sandals that I’m certain he wears socks with.

Bumper Pitch Perfect.jpg

Kevin Gnapoor – “Mean Girls”

He might be the captain of the high school Mathletes, but this guy is as cool as a “nerd-cool” can get! First off, he’s a rapper. Do I even need to continue? No, but I will. Second, this guy is the type of nerd that will reject YOU! You might not even find him attractive, but he still won’t hesitate to remind you that he’s not interested – at all. This nerd exuberates confidence like the Bad-Ass M.C. that he is.

“Ohhhh! Kevin G!”

Kevin Gnapoor.jpg

Let’s just say I started off strong, plateaued a couple guys in, and quickly plummeted toward the end. In the beginning, I had the perfect buzz to help me open up, show bits of my quirky personality, while remaining appealing and attractive. Then half way through I started to realize there’s no chance in hell I’m going to end up with any of the men sitting across from me. While their stories and personalities are great, I drunkenly tried to imagine what they’d look like naked…and even drunk…I couldn’t do it. I quickly realized that chemistry and attraction IS a requirement, so I coasted through the remainder of the event speeding through wine faster than I sped through the men.

After glass number 40, my six minutes of meet and greet suddenly transformed into my own personal Amy Schumer comedy act. Sarcasm, witty one liners, obnoxious jokes, and sass spewed from my mouth like wildfire. I was having the time of my life and enjoying every minute with each of my unsuspecting victims. As soon as I stopped trying to “sell myself” and impress the Geek Squad, I was fully able to unleash the raw reality of my personality. The looks on their faces read love, hate, and utter confusion; otherwise known as – success.

After the event ended, I annihilated an ungodly amount of Taco Bell, sobered up, and went home. The next day I waited anxiously to find out if I’d made any mutual matches with my lineup of eligible bachelors. I’d put down the names of two guys I was interested in; a sensitive musician from Long Beach and a tall bald basketball player from Costa Mesa. The baldy was really just a buffer to help me appear less of a shallow, cold-hearted, bitch. But to my surprise, NEITHER of the guys chose me back! Not even the buffer I threw down as a backup bae!

That’s the thing about Amy Schumer…she might be funny, but is anyone lining up out the door to date her? #FAIL

I figured my drunk Speed Dating days were over after I’d been rejected by the only two semi-attractive men at the event. I couldn’t believe neither of the guys liked me back, but then again, I only gave 2 guys out of 10 a chance. What about the other nerds…did they hate me too?! I pondered this thought for a few days wondering if I’d really blown it in the name of Pinot Grigio or if maybe those two men just couldn’t handle my fiery humor and wit.

Then, a few days later I received an email from My Cheeky Date that read:

Hi Melissa,

You were so lovely!

You can expect to receive complimentary invites in the future 🙂

Cheers,

Troy

SAYYYY WHAAAAAAT?

Troy wasn’t lying. I’ve received complimentary invites almost every month for the past year. I’m basically a VIP Speed Dating Honorable Guest; a title I proudly display on my resume, Myspace page and blog business cards. I even went back a second time to wreak more havoc, and again, displayed impeccable wine drinking skills, followed by more rejection, resulting in continued complimentary invites.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it.

Forever Slurred,

Amy ❤

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Just dancing through life pretending to know what I'm doing.

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